Mankind has a long history of achievement. From a Shakespearean sonnet to bingo; from learning the skills to harness electricity to the undeniable genius of Paul Daniels’ wig, humanity has often pushed the boundaries of what was possible. Listed below are some of the greatest inventions ever conceived, made and then put successfully into practice.
Well, kind of.
1. Computer games you can play in school
Mobile phones have opened up a new world. Not only can you be miles from anywhere in peace and solitude and still your partner can call to nag you, they can now connect you to the Internet. Around the country, schoolchildren sat bored at the back of history lessons can now switch their handset onto silent and get their eyes down to some serious studying. Sadly, for history teachers, this tends to be learning how to get onto the next level of ‘Men at War 2: This time it is even gorier,’ rather than understanding the intricacies of the feudal system.
2. Guilt
Oh yes, imagine a world without feeling guilty! No need to worry about cheating your boss because you’ve spent the last three days trying to win one of the big bingo games on your PC, instead of doing this year’s expense accounts. That disappointed look on a child’s face when you tell them that you can’t get them the bike they wanted for Christmas because you spent the money on an iPad for yourself, would never tug at the heartstrings. Inventors have offered us the wonderfully British trait of feeling pangs of guilt for our very existence.
3. Jeremy Kyle
Bless him; the wonderfully pious Mr Kyle was obviously put on this planet to serve two purposes. The first was to fight for the right of the downtrodden, abused, saddened, victimised, lonely and poorly dressed and the second is obviously to make every other person in the country feel so much better about things, chiefly because they are not him.
4. Facial hair
Many women would argue that this is the greatest invention in our rich history, mainly because of how much it annoys so many men, or how insane it makes them look. Certainly, there are some men who can wear this form of facial topiary with a certain inimitable style; Sean Connery, Brad Pitt and Rolf Harris for example. For most men though, facial hair is the irritating growth that demands an inordinate amount of time, money and effort to rid oneself of on a daily or weekly basis, depending on how lazy you are and how frequently you want your partner to kiss you.
5. Personal stereos, CD players and iPods
In the search for self, few inventions have played as important a role as the personal music player. Whether it is the old fashioned stereo or CD player or the new type of iPod the ability to shove a set of unhygienic foam pads down our waxy ears, block out the sounds of the world and continue about our business without having to talk to anybody, or even acknowledge them, is a winner.
6. Facebook
Do you remember those awful days when you actually had to talk to people to communicate with them? Thankfully, Facebook provided the perfect solution, simply add to your real core group of friends, an assortment of vaguely known associates and schoolmates from years gone, load up Amishville and you can annoy them for eternity by asking them to send you a virtual spare wheel for your farm cart. Result!
7. Writing
Without it, we could not communicate over time. We could not express our thoughts and needs. Indeed, without it, you would not be reading this or thinking about posting that mildly offensive comment below about how dreadful this article is. Without writing, you would not have that ability and for that reason alone, it is mankind’s greatest ever invention.
Well, perhaps second, just behind Mr Kyle.
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